Why I Won’t Encourage My Daughter to Save Herself for Marriage

Before you start judging me based on the title, read this entire blog. I grew up in a Catholic household with very Catholic grandparents and parents that were not particularly religious but held on to some of the traditions they grew up with. I went to Catholic school from kindergarten until 6th grade and went to church intermittently throughout the year and always on holidays. Throughout that time, my parents were very open about bodies and there was definitely no shame in being comfortable within your own skin walking around the house or while using the bathroom when I grew up.

We never talk specifically about their sex life, but it was assumed that they probably had a good one because they were happily married. Still, I found myself as a young adult with a lot of confusion and shame around sexuality and sexual function. I don’t think it came from my parents. We were very open about reading trashy romance novels. We binge watched Law and Order SVU. We openly discussed the relationship choices of people in our lives. Although there was no lack of sex on TV, in movies and in books, the messages received were mixed. Sex was interesting, desirable and also probably something bad that you never talked about or openly wanted too much. If you liked sex or admitted you did or or had too many partners, the message was that you were a little less pure or perfect compared to those who did not engage in intimacy or sex.

You can refer to my blog “Let’s Marvin Gaye and Get It On” to see how I felt about starting out in my sexual life. But needless to say it was not great. I struggled with tiny vagina problems (see that blog here) and needed to do my own pelvic floor therapy work to be able to have a comfortable intimate life. Even once that life was comfortable, it took time for it to become pleasurable and shame free. 

Yes, I could finally physically tolerate it but how did I feel about wanting to have sex? How did I feel about liking sex? How did I feel about my enjoyment of those experiences? Was it ok if my sex drive didn’t match my partner’s? What if I wanted to do things alone? Was I sinning? Was something wrong with me for liking something that I was subtly told was bad?

It’s no secret that I love to treat all things related to the pelvic floor. A very special passion of mine is teaching people how to love the bodies they live in and be able to enjoy their sexuality, however that may look. Not much brings me more joy than helping guide someone towards their first enjoyable sexual experience (in a professional way under my PT scope of practice.) 

What does that look like? I can tell you what it’s not. There are no “happy endings” or sexual touching during pelvic floor (or any) therapy sessions. But talking about the different types of sexual response models, how desire and stress interact, learning about the anatomy and how blood flow helps can do wonders for a person’s sexual health. 

I’ve had a recent uptick in clients coming in with the complaints of pelvic pain, vaginismus, vulvodynia, or dyspareunia and their biggest complaint is they can’t tolerate the penetration needed to have intercourse with their partner. I’ve had several couples who have been unable to “consummate” their marriages for many years. I’ve had others who have had sex turn into such an issue they have just stopped doing it…for YEARS.

I’m going to tangent off into the myth of the hymen for a second. This is such an antiquated concept. There is no cherry to pop. There is no flower to steal. There is no magical piece of the vulva that indicates purity. There IS a small, thin flap of skin that surrounds the opening of the vagina. It can rip or tear with sexual activity, especially if the penetration is forceful or poorly lubricated. This can cause scarring and pain moving forward. Tampons or other insertional menstrual products don’t take away the hymen or a person’s “virginity.” If anything, they help to gently stretch the tissue and get it used to being moved without sending pain signals.

I’d like to further soapbox about the concept that “girls” have to maintain their virginity to keep their vagina tight and pleasurable for their partner. The vagina is biologically a stretchy sock of skin made to accommodate menstrual fluid, babies and penises. We know that it can be so much more than that based on someone’s gender and sexuality preferences, but right now, I’m just talking about the anatomy. It’s made to stretch…to expel a BABY. So this concept that it has to stay tight is asinine. The other fun concept is that a vagina will become stretched out and less fun when a vagina owner has more partners. But a person who has more sex in a committed relationship doesn’t run the same risk. INSANE!

If we applied the same logic to the penis, we’d be out there encouraging “boys” to keep their penis BIG for their partners by avoiding too much sex before marriage. The idea that the penis smooshing into a vagina would cause it to change size sounds ridiculous. What if a penis enters multiple orifices? Does it shrink? No! It gets street cred and extra points. Again, society teaches us that sex changes a vagina but not a penis. Society THINKS that. People think this. They choose partners based on it. They say this to their partners. 

So back to why I don’t want my daughter to think she has to wait until marriage to explore her sexuality…I know it seems like I went on a big tangent but I’m getting there, I promise. Entering a sexual relationship should be pleasurable. Poo poo to whoever disagrees. Furthermore, it should feel good for everyone involved. It shouldn’t be tolerable for one partner until years later they figure out how to enjoy themselves too. It should be something that takes thought, consideration and preparation for the safety of everyone involved.

Ignoring that we’re sexual beings until a first sexual encounter robs a person of exploration. When patients have trouble with sex, one of the first things I have patients do is stop engaging in partnered sex. If they feel comfortable, I encourage them to explore the intimate activities that bring them pleasure that are not intercourse, things that are safe and not painful or problematic. If they can’t do that partnered, we back up to learning about their sexual preferences with solo play.

We teach our children sexual shame young. Pretty much from the moment they are born, they are learning to live and enjoy life in their bodies. This shame education may begin by being horrified when a toddler plays with their genitals (it’s a normal phase and it’s fine to let them explore in a safe way). It may be by being horrified when we find out our teen (or tweenager) has been sexually active (it happens and we want to be preemptive in these conversations so they are well educated making this big decision). It may be by negative talk about what someone else does like “she’s a skank”or a general act overall with comments on activities such as “anal sex is disgusting.” The truth is, that sexual preferences and activities are as varied and unique as people and there aren’t good and bad choices EXCEPT something that isn’t consensual. 

We further this shame by nicknaming genitals cutesy names, avoiding talking about sex with our children like the capable humans they are and this can rob them of the opportunity to have their sex life be a truly magical experience. Instead of having “the talk,” we should be giving our kiddos an education on their bodies and their rights starting young and continuously learning. This starts with labeling body parts, teaching them boundaries on who can see them, and letting them know what settings are the best for self exploration. As a child grows, we can teach them more about their anatomy and help them learn concepts like consent and body autonomy in order to avoid possible abuse or future traumas. 

Unless someone identifies as asexual, all children are going to become sexual beings who eventually explore their sexuality. As a mother raising a tweenager, I am conflicted. I want her to stay my innocent baby forever. As a therapist who works in pelvic health a majority of my day and a person who educates about sex, I want to make sure I give her all the tools I can to help her transition into adulthood. How her father and I choose to raise her and how another family may raise their child can be totally different and I’m not saying my way is the “right” or “only” way. I’m just telling you, as someone who hears tales of woe related to sex, trauma, sexual abuse, and more, I know how I’m shaping these conversations with my daughter.

I want her to be comfortable with her body. I want her to know what is normal about her body, so that some boy doesn’t make her feel insecure about body smells, shape, size or some other stupid thing he’s been spoon fed by society. I want her to know bodies have hair and she can do whatever she wants with that whether that’s au natural, waxed, or shaved. I want her to know she can make her own decision on when she enters into a sexual relationship. I want her to know it’s OK to say “no” to things at any point, even if things started out a “yes.” I want her to know that a partner should not pressure or push her into anything and that turning down an activity or stopping it should not be a dealbreaker. 

I hope she feels comfortable with self love (aka masturbation) and finds ways to enjoy her body by herself before she chooses to share it with a partner. My goal is to give her clear information about things like sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy so that she can stay safe and plan accordingly. I plan to continue to teach her about different types of people – those who may be gender or sexually diverse and let her choose her own labels as she discovers who she feels she is. I want her to know things like sex toys and lubricants exist and that there is no problem with exploring them by herself or with a partner.

I don’t want her to feel she has to “save” herself for a specific time EXCEPT for when she feels things are right and safe for herself emotionally and physically. Would I hope that opportunity presents itself in the form of a committed, loving, monogamous relationship with clear boundaries, kindness and respect? YES. But I also know many married people who have not achieved that yet, so although it is a goal, I understand there may be trial and error prior to finding that. I was talking to a client the other day and we both giggled about if we had to marry our high school sweethearts and what a disaster that would have been. But then, my parents are a great example of a couple and are high school sweethearts that have grown together over the years. People change constantly and it’s hard to know who will grow together or apart over the years.

If you’re  reading this thinking “I wish I had a better way to talk to my child about this” you’re in luck. Practically Perfect PT has written a class called “The Birds, The Bees and Beyond.” This class is for parents looking for accurate information to teach their child about their body as they age. There will be simple resources provided, strategies for talking about these things and the goal is to make it less awkward and decrease feelings of shame. 

This class will be geared towards tween/ teen parents BUT is a great resource for any parent who wants to be able to have open, informed conversations with their child. If you’re looking to sign up, you can use this link to get on our wait list. “The Birds, The Bees and Beyond” will launch on November 24th. We can’t wait to help you help your child have a healthy pelvic floor life.