What Am I Doing? Where Am I Going?

I find that is my new mantra in this endless sea of crazy juggling that is COVID life.

“What am I doing? Where am I going? 1…2…3…”

I’ll start by saying, I’m writing this blog from my own personal perspective of being a health care worker in a hospital based outpatient physical therapy location. I’m not a nurse in an ER or COVID unit. I’m not a doctor. I’m not at an urgent care or testing center. I have not been on the “front lines.”

I’m not a teacher or in retail or the restaurant business. I have not been working from home. I have not been out of work on unemployment, waiting to go back, forced to start looking for a job, or being uncertain of my future.

Since the pandemic started, I have been going to work every day, unless taking a previously scheduled vacation. I’ve had the joy of adding PPE to myself, one piece at a time. It’s been an evolution. First a mask. Then a shield. Then antibacterial scrubs and shirts that can withstand the sanitize cycle in my washer, the last my own addition, not work’s.

My work routine has changed. I went from seeing a full caseload of people, to doing office busy work to doing telehealth to building back into a full caseload in a period of a few months. I clean all the time. Always changing sheets, wiping things, organizing and mentally measuring that we are all appropriately, socially distanced. I am the mask reminder – stop licking your mask, put it over your nose, you’re really getting the same amount of oxygen wearing it!

It’s quicker to get dressed in the morning, but coming home takes 3 x longer. I have to wipe all my reusable PPE before I leave. I analyze whether I’m bringing germs home on the things that travel between home and work. I can’t hug my child when I walk through the door. I come home, deposit my work stuff – lunch box, shoes, etc. Then I head to the shower, and “start” my home day. Every work day feels like groundhogs day. 

I have nightmares about forgetting to wear my shield or mask and getting in trouble. I’m not a germ-a-phobe which feels hard in this situation. I’m usually saying things like “a little germs and dirt won’t kill ya” attitude. Now, research says otherwise. I have to be mindful to clean every surface patient’s touch throughout the day. Now I can be caught scolding “keep your hands to yourself” and “don’t touch what we’re not doing.” I’ve had patients tell me it’s offensive that I clean things immediately after they touch them. I simply reply, “It’s COVID season and I’m trying to keep you safe.”

I feel bad for patients. Everyone has their different baseline fear of germs and COVID preparedness. Each day the protocol for entering therapy changes…where to get your temperature taken, the screening questions, the sign in process, the waiting area, the treatment areas, the visitor policy, it’s all an evolution….

Home life is changed too. My husband and I have had to switch rolls. He’s more the primary parent right now because he has had more flexibility with working from home or work hours. He’s doing more of the pickup and drop offs. He’s in charge of dinners and childcare post work/ school. He’s tech support for the little human. He’s the one keeping me in the loop while I’m away at work.

I’m not 100% where I’m going with this blog. I wanted to let you have a snapshot of my COVID life. I guess my point is, I’m here in the trenches with you. This isn’t a fun time for anyone. We’re all struggling with different things and it’s like comparing apples to oranges to star fruits. It’s exhausting; emotionally, physically, spiritually…The fact that there is no light to see at the end of the tunnel makes it feel even more grueling. 

This morning I gently reminded our daughter to be grateful for what she does have instead of looking at what she doesn’t. So here is my list of reminders to myself of things to be thankful for…

1. My husband: things aren’t always easy, but he’s been a great pandemic partner and I couldn’t have picked someone more equipped to be the chief safety officer of our household.
2. Our daughter: she’s a ham and cheese sandwich that has rolled with the punches and she just does what she needs to help get through this thing with us as a family unit. Her new obsession with Harry Potter and Hamilton has kept us all a little more sane.
3. My family and friends are healthy. We may not be able to see each other as easily or often, but we’re safe and well.
4. My profession: I’m still able to do what I love and help people everyday even though that changes and evolves daily.
5. Our past: I look back and am so thankful for the years of not having to wear masks, being able to freely hug folks and the splendor of swapping germs, the fact that 5 years of thumb sucking didn’t kill our kid and just that past freedom to be able cough/ sneeze publicly without judgement.
6. Practically Perfect PT: Starting a business a week before a pandemic started is not ideal, but it was created to bring everyone PT in the safety of their home and so that is something that has kept this dream of mine moving forward!