Somewhere Over the Rainbow

When I was three years old, I watched a movie that changed my life. Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” rocked my world. My fairy godmother had purchased this movie and “lent” it to me, and I watched most of it on repeat for many years (I knew exactly how long to fast forward through the scary Ursula parts). “The Little Mermaid” soundtrack was one of my first CDs, and to this day, listening to the soundtrack is a positive emotional experience for me. Nothing makes me feel yearning more than “Part of Your World,” makes me feel anxious like “Flotsam and Jetsam” or makes me feel merry like “Jig.” 

Aside from the movie and soundtrack awakening something in my soul, they also sparked a very important thought in my little three year old mind. I had the sudden realization that I was a mermaid! I was not a human girl, like my parents had led me to believe. I was most definitely a mermaid. Supporting evidence was limited in my three year old mind, but I was one hundred percent sure. I had learned to swim at the early age of nine months old, and I loved the water. I was comfortable in pools, lakes, and the ocean as a little one who had spent her early childhood in Florida, Puerto Rico, and Maine. 

As I grew older, my stance did not change. If anything, I became more convinced. I sought out more books and movies about mermaids as I grew. I watched “Splash” over and over, trying to figure out how to trigger my fins to come out. I tried all the water types I could find: tap, bath, salt, drinking… I just knew I should have been born with fins or the ability to transition my legs to mermaid fins when I hit water. I continued to try different types and temperatures of water. When I went to the ocean, I walked along the coastline hearing the music of “my people.” When I was in the lake, I wore flippers, moved my legs like fins, and hung out as long as I could under the surface, surveying the lake floor. When in a pool, I would swim to the bottom, lay on my back, and watch the sky through the water. 

People thought I would outgrow my love of mermaids. My research and obsession continued. My favorite color developed into being teal. My favorite trips were planned around being able to swim or being in water. I loved to read books about different mermaids and mermaid-related mythical creatures. I was so convinced I was a mermaid that I wrote a college admission essay about how I was a mermaid at heart, built to heal and care for humans in my career of physical therapy. Adulthood and marriage would help me outgrow mermaids, right? No way! I married a person who associated as a pirate at heart, and hung up mermaid prints in all the rooms of our home. When our daughter was born, I made sure to include her in my love of mermaid life and culture.

You may be wondering where I am going with this. Stay with me folks, trying to be open-minded and not jump to being offended without reading the whole thing. I have never felt the right or need to question when a person says that they are gay, bi-sexual, transgender, queer, etc. I know a childhood dream of wanting to be a mermaid is NOT even close to being in the LGBTQIA2s+ community, but in my own small way, I got it. If I could be convinced from the early age of three that I should have been born a mermaid instead of a human female child, then I could very easily extrapolate the understanding that I could have felt that way about being born a female while feeling I should have been born a male. I could understand that although the societal expectation for me (35 years ago) was for me to pick a partner of the opposite sex, that the feeling of attraction to whoever I was sexually into as I developed those feelings would be out of my control. If there were surgeries that could turn me into a mermaid, even to this day, I would consider them, because that is the creature I am at heart.

Let’s talk about some definitions for some people who may find this terminology to be new. I posted something about being a “cis-gender” female the other day, and a few folks had questions. The best ways to be inclusive are to ask questions and continue to educate yourself on changing terminology. I was so happy to see that my daughter’s Girl Scout camp is prioritizing inclusion of individuals of all gender identities, and made sure our scouts were respectful of pronouns on day one. In our house, we talk about it being okay to be whoever you are, as long as you are respectful and kind, but we had never defined pronouns!

I feel like the most widespread things people may be familiar with is the term LGTBQIA2S+. This categorization is typically represented by a rainbow or rainbow flag. This an acronym for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and/or Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, Two-Spirit, and the countless affirmative ways in which people choose to self-identify. The older terminology was LGBT, and then LGBTQ, but this is the most updated nomenclature to include all individuals. This gives some names and recognition to different groups that may not typically be considered if you are not “up on these things.”

LGBTQIA2S+ Definitions

Lesbian/Gay: a person who has emotional, romantic or sexual attraction for people of the same sex. 

Bisexual: a person who has emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction for a person of more than one gender.

Transgender: an umbrella term for a person whose gender identity does not match society’s expectations of someone with their physical sex characteristics. 

Queer: an umbrella term used proudly by some people to defy gender or sexual restrictions. It is not used by all, and can be considered offensive. 

Questioning: the process of exploring one’s own sexual orientation, investigating influences that may come from their family, religious upbringing, and internal motivations.

Intersex: an umbrella term used to describe a person whose physical sex characteristics or chromosomes don’t fit traditional medical definitions of male or female 

Asexual: a person who generally does not experience sexual attraction (or very little) to any group of people. 

Two-Spirit: is a cultural identity used by some indigenous people who have both  masculine and feminine spirits. 

If you’re trying to wrap your mind around how these definitions fit into one specific person, there is a helpful teaching tool called the Genderbread Person. The Genderbread Person breaks down the concept of gender into the components: identity, expression, attraction, and anatomical sex. It has been revised multiple times, and is on version 4.0.

To give an example using myself: I was born with a vagina, vulva, and ovaries. Therefore, my anatomical sex, based on the physical genitalia I was born with, make my sex assigned at birth  female. As I grew up, and if I couldn’t be a mermaid, I identified as a female, and therefore my gender identity is female. I was assigned female at birth (AFAM) and identified as a female, so this made me a cis-gender or ci-sexual individual. Since childhood, I have expressed my gender with feminine traits like longer hair, pierced ears, use of make up, and with the clothes I chose, etc. I have always been attracted to male partners, and therefore, my attraction is considered heterosexual.

Genderbread Person Definitions:

Gender/gender identity is how we perceive our identity as male, female, both, or neither, regardless of our physical bodies. 

Gender expression is the external display of gender, through a combination of dress, demeanor, social behavior, and other factors, generally measured on a scale of masculinity and femininity.

Attraction is who we are attracted to for our intimate partnerships. 

Anatomical sex is the physical genitalia we are born with. 

Why am I reviewing all of this? I want you to know that there is more than just the gender binary of male and female, and more to sexuality than being heterosexual or straight. It is OK to be who you are. It is imperative that we accept people for who they are. In a world where we can choose to be anything, my hope is that you choose to be kind, accepting, and politely inquisitive. 

If you’re looking for some ways to be inclusive, let me give you some!

#1 Learn about pronouns! There are a ton. Common ones include she/her, he/him and they/them. There are some new ones as well like xe/xem, ve/ver, and ey/em. There are tons more if you research and look into them, but the bottom line is not everyone who looks feminine is a she, and not everyone who “looks like a dude” is a he!

#2 Ask people their preferred name! A name on a photo ID may unfortunately not correlate to the preferred name of a person. How do we work around this? Simply ask. As a medical health professional, I’ve had to do this for years. Someone may prefer Mrs. Jones, whereas another may be offended you didn’t call them Sandy! A person who is transitioning their gender may not have the legal documents to go with their preferred name or gender expression yet, because there are lots of bureaucratic hoops to jump through for this. 

#3 Continue to educate yourself. As discussed above, things in the LGBTQIA2+ community are constantly changing, so doing a little research on the topic can go a long way.

#4 Think neutral. Instead of using phrases like, “Hey guys,” or “Welcome ladies and gentleman,” try using more neutral and inclusive labels like, “Hello everyone,” or “Hi friends!” When talking about significant others, replace “husband” and “wife” with “partner” or “spouse,” unless directly told otherwise!

#5 Don’t assume. I remember when people would come up to my daughter when she was a baby and assume her gender based on her clothing.  Saying things like, “My, what a handsome little boy you have!” if she was wearing blue or Green Bay Packers stuff was entertaining, but also offensive. Let’s review the old saying: “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me!” Be neutral in your language, and politely ask if you don’t know. Fee free to refer to bullet point #1 and #2 for tips. 

At the end of the day, we are all doing our best to make it in this world, with a pandemic going on, and the political and actual climate constantly changing. I encourage you to think before you speak, and ask if you don’t know! I love the Lady Gaga song “Born This Way,” and started playing it for our daughter at a very early age because I wanted her to know she is practically perfect just the way she is. 

“My mama told me when I was young, ‘We are all born superstars’

She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on in the glass of her boudoir

‘There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are,’ she said, ‘Cause He made you perfect, babe

So hold your head up, girl, and you’ll go far’

Listen to me when I say

I’m beautiful in my way ’cause God makes no mistakes

I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way

Don’t hide yourself in regret, just love yourself, and you’re set

I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way (born this way)

Don’t be a drag, just be a queen

Whether you’re broke or evergreen

You’re Black, white, beige, chola descent

You’re Lebanese, you’re Orient’

Whether life’s disabilities left you outcast, bullied, or teased

Rejoice and love yourself today

‘Cause, baby, you were born this way

No matter gay, straight, or bi’, lesbian, transgender life

I’m on the right track, baby, I was born to survive

No matter Black, white or beige, chola, or Orient’ made

I’m on the right track, baby, I was born to be brave!”

Perfectly Yours,

Dr. Mo