Low Sex Drive Driving Your Crazy?
I have been reading this amazing book called “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life” by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. This book was so valuable to me both as a woman who has struggled with issues related to sex and as a practitioner that helps people who struggle with issues related to intimacy.
I deal primarily with folks who have physical barriers to intimacy, but there is a whole emotional component that frequently comes to light. This book really hits on the point that what happens in our sex life mostly comes from what is going on in our brain!
I could share a million of my favorite parts, but today I wanted to touch on the topic of “sex drive.” In some of the mommy groups I’m in, this topic has been coming up. I’m glad women are looking for help to prioritize their sex life, but I feel like as a society we’re focusing on the wrong areas. I hear all the time stuff like “my husband is like a teenager, he wants sex ALL the time and I just don’t, so something must be wrong with me.” NOPE!
Dr. Nagoski talks about sex drive in her book and explains that is it not actually a DRIVE. A better description of sexual interest would be DESIRE. Did you know there are a bunch of different types of desire? I sure didn’t!
The one that we as a society are led to believe is “normal” is spontaneous desire. This is the idea there is this “drive” to want intimacy. Regardless of the context of what is happening in our daily lives. Just the fact that desire poofs out of nowhere driving us to seek intimacy. Spontaneous desire happens for 75% of men and 15% of women.
What about all the other folks? This urban legend leads these men and women to think there is something wrong with them if their desire is not spontaneous. But they’re likely totally normal and just more regularly experience other types of desire. Responsive desire describes folks who begin to be interested in sex only after sex related things start happening. About 5 % of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire.
For the third type of desire, we need to know what CONTEXT is. Dr. Nagoski describes context as the ”present moment – whom you’re with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, etc – and your brain state in the present moment – whether you’re relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, right now, in this moment.” This is why no two sexual encounters are exactly the same, how something works one day and not another and how desire levels change.
The third way desire can be described is as context dependent desire, which is where all the other men and women in those stats fit in. Basically, I think of context as the stars aligning.
If the context is more positive, the stars aligning for a good experience and is more likely to end in sex. Example! Your husband spooning or tickling you after he has done the dishes, tucked the kids in, taken out the trash and told you your butt looks nice today. Sounds like a happy ending night!
If the context is more negative, the stars are not aligning and the sexy feelings will likely not be happening. Example, your partner trying to grab your butt, as you’re folding laundry and soothing a crying child after having a terrible day at work and also, you’re exhausted. There will likely be no desire because the context to have sex SUCKS!
How do you build better context for your intimate life?? We’ll talk about that another day, but it’s about finding a balance between the turn ons and turn offs!
Contact me if you have questions about how to figure out what type of “desire” you experience and how knowing this might help improve your sex life!
practicallyperfectPT@gmail.com
