Driving Yourself to Practically Perfect Desire

Last week we talked about the types of desire based on the information in Emily Nagoski’s book “Come As You Are.” I cannot emphasize reading this book enough if you are a person who identifies as a woman or an individual who is intimate with a woman. 

A lot of my clients have told me they don’t have time to read the book, so I’ve been trying to do little tidbits of information to help share the information and get people more invested in reading this pelvic health work of art. All of the information in this blog will have come from Dr. Nagoski’s book. 

The first things she talks about are the types of sexual temperament people have. There are two systems involved in this, the sexual excitation system (SES) and sexual inhibition system (SIS). The SES is what is referred to as your accelerator, the good things that you see, smell, hear, touch, taste and/or imagine. The SIS is your sexual brake and has two different aspects. The first is general barriers like fear of STI, unplanned pregnancy, social consequences, etc. The other type of sexual brake would be fear of performance or fear of performance failure. 

Arousal happens when we are able to activate our accelerators and deactivate our brakes. 

Do you wonder what your sexual temperament is? Contact me and we can review Dr. Nagowski’s questionnaire and we can figure out your style. Dr. Nagowski also talks about how lack of arousal is typically because there is too much stimulation to the brakes, not a lack of accelerator stimulation. 

What does this mean? It’s not that you don’t think your partner is nice smelling, good looking, yummy tasting and lovely feeling – the accelerators can all be there. But are you trying to drive your car with your brakes on? A typical adult has a ton of stressors or barriers such as stress, lack of privacy, lack of self care, poor body image, decreased time for affection, past trauma, relationship troubles, etc which are slowing down the progression to arousal!

Dr. Nagowski also talks about something called the “one ring to rule them all” which includes enjoying, expecting and eagerness. One emotional brain that has the 3 Es to feed into arousal.

• Enjoying is the “yes” or “no” answer to things like does it feel good? How good? Should it continue?
• Expecting is linking the current situation with what could happen next. Kissing leads to other things, etc.
• Eagerness is the desire to move towards or away. This is the wanting to continue and move towards or away from an activity. 

In order for the context to be positive, we need the circumstances of the present situation and the brain state at the present moment to be more positive and the brakes to be deactivated! Pushing the gas and brake pedals on your car will not create a smooth ride. The most positive sex context for women, and maybe some gentlemen too is low stress, high affection and content/ activity that is explicitly erotic! 

Your brain is constantly scanning the system with the SES and SIS deciding what is appropriate at the time and whether it is time to be intimate. AGAIN, I highly recommend reading this book for yourself, but the very basic take home message is this.

To have a better sex life, turn on the ONS, turn off the OFFS, work with your partner to create a context that works for you to explore your pleasure working to enjoy, expect and be eager for intimacy!

Check out: https://www.emilynagoski.com/