Big Dick Energy and Other Assorted Penis Myths
A while ago I posted about “The Tiny Vagina Club” and how society’s idea that a smaller, tighter vagina is more valuable can be really harmful to some vagina owners. Today, I would like to tackle another pet peeve of mine, “Big Dick Energy.” I know I am starting to sound like a salty old lady, but misconceptions in pelvic health help literally no one.
“Big Dick Energy” aka BDE was something new to me a few years ago, and since then, I feel like I run into the concept often now. What does “Big Dick Energy” mean? This term popped up recently in the 2010s, and it just means to have the relaxed confidence of someone with a big penis. For husband reading this blog after he asked me what I was working on and got the answer, he felt there was a way to use BDE in a positive or a negative way. Tiny car revving his engine and weaving between cars in traffic – negative BDE. Being confident and relaxed when picking up a person – positive BDE.
I think Americans typically have this idea that bigger is better, and I guess in certain places it is. If I go to a fancy restaurant, I want my portion to be bigger– do not feed me a teaspoon of something and expect me to be satisfied! As my husband would say, “I want to leave here feeling disgusting for that price.” You will never convince me that a smaller bed is better than a bigger bed when it comes to space sharing with a partner. But when it comes to penetration, I am not sure it is a positive to think bigger is ALWAYS better.
Let me start with this thought…I am thoroughly convinced that penis owners have no idea where they lie on the size comparison spectrum in most cases. I’ve been informed “dudes” don’t whip their “junk” out to compare. I haven’t been there, I haven’t done that so I can’t speak for everyone. However, I was brave and googled “Penis Size Chart,” and lo and behold there were actually answers that were not pornography…yay for me on this morning! Penis size can be measured by length and girth. If you are a penis owner or have an open and willing partner, feel free to bust out a tape measure and use these charts to see where you fit in. Spoiler alert though, it really does not matter, but we will get to that. When measuring size, we also have to specify if we are talking about an “at rest” or flaccid penis, or a fully erect one, because those measurements will likely be different.
How do I know that many penis owners and their partners do not know their size? It usually comes up in the comparison of a person’s actual penis to what size dilator set they need to buy when working towards penetrative intercourse. Dilators are phallic-shaped medical devices used to stretch a canal, whether it be vaginal or rectal. These are tools I use to help clients feel more comfortable with penetration. When choosing the size of devices, I encourage patients to choose a set that has sizes slightly smaller all the way to slightly larger than their partner. This usually gets me funny looks. People do not know where their partner compares. Usually they say things like, “the normal size,” or “I think on the bigger side.” From the penises I have encountered clinically and personally, size is all subjective, and no penis is exactly like the next (and that is OK!).
Ohnut is a company that makes a ring to go around the base of a penis or penetrating toy to help prevent discomfort from too deep penetration. If you are looking for my opinion on when to use an Ohnut and other assorted penis rings, check out my blog “If You Like It Then You Should Have Put a Ring On It.” Ohnut also had a fascinating series about penis size and whether bigger is really better, and the company had this thought…
“At Ohnut, we are intimately aware of the realities of painful sex—and the myths, too. When we look at how people on the internet typically talk about pain during penetration, it’s usually chalked up to three words: Dick Too Big. And while a lot of the time painful sex isn’t about big dicks… sometimes it is.
But here’s the thing: if it’s widely believed that big penises hurt their sexual partners—why are they also anecdotally cited as the most “satisfying” or “desirable” penis? Why then do 45% of cis men wish they had a bigger penis? Why do we reference penis size in so much of our everyday lingo? Why are we so obsessed with big dicks?” To dive further into part 1 of their article, click here!
Other interesting facts raised in this article included that 45% of cis men want bigger penises but 85% of cis women don’t feel that way and they are satisfied with their partner’s size. This study had a huge sample size of 52,031. Also, a 2002 study among cis women who had recently given birth, less than half said that penis length or girth was important. The research showed that penis size was one factor, but overall it was the other characteristics of the partner that attracted mates, not the largeness of the genitalia!
In Dicks of the Stone Age, Ohnut looks at penises throughout history and how the perspective has changed from preference of large to small back to large. “Through our brief history lesson, we’ve learned that drawings and sculptures of big penises are nothing new, but their meaning certainly has changed over time. What began as expressions of fertility, ended in big penises symbolizing brutishness and foolishness. Strangely enough, we also started to see the beginnings of the idea that penis size equals power and masculinity.”
If I am losing you here, just know that penis size, masculinity, and power have gone hand in hand for a LONG time, pun intended. Want to hear why I do not give flying crap about penis size? It’s because it does not usually matter! When it comes to penetration, whether vaginally or anally, these canals are made to stretch. So unless there is a humongous size differential, things should fit with the proper warming up, preparation, communication, and lubrication. People may think the issue is because the penetrating item is too big, but a lot of times, this is just a misconception.
Most of the time, when I have a couple struggling to have penetrative intercourse, the issues do not actually boil down to size. The penis does become erect or “hard,” but it is filled with blood flowing to the different spongy tissues, so it is a flexible “hardness.” The vaginal canal is biologically created to be able to birth literal babies. I very much doubt that most penises, even with the biggest of “big dick energy,” are the average girth size of a newborn’s head! What is means is that if there is pain with sex due to a large penetrating body part or toy, more work needs to be done to help the receiving end as part of the partnership. It also means that bigger is not always better, because bigger sometimes means more preparation and planning than slipping in something that is on the smaller or average size.
I would also like to differentiate that “bigness” can be based on length or width. Sometimes the width can be fine, but if that penetrating item goes in too deep, it can make the receiving partner uncomfortable. Likewise, the length can be OK, but the width can cause too much of a quick stretch of the pelvic floor, which may lead to discomfort or pain. So there are a lot of things to consider when thinking, “The penis is just too big!”
Want to talk about some other myths about penises? Well stick around if you do! Here are some frequently asked questions or statements I hear.
Are bigger penises harder? Answer, probably not. Since an erection is based on blood flow, basic physics and science would dictate that a larger penis would need more time to “fill up.” Interestingly, according to studies, issues with blood flow were more related to the height of the individual versus the size of the genitalia. The only cases where this differed was for people in possession of a penis larger than 12 inches. More on size and hardness – read here.
Erectile dysfunction is only a physical problem! NOPE! If a person is experiencing a change in sexual function, a full medical examination is a great start to rule out a cardiac or medical causes, like back injury, diabetes, blood pressure issues, or kidney disease. However, mental health and mental preparedness also affects erectile function. Stress is a huge sexual desire killer for any person. All arousal requires the ability to relax, and the parasympathetic nervous system starts the process. This is why some people with a penis wake up with an erection. They are fully relaxed! If someone is stressed by work, relationship problems, getting walked in on by a family member or child, or having performance anxiety, that can be a major erection killed. Likewise, some people experience an erection when stressed, when they do not want to experience one, like when talking to a potential partner, or giving a presentation in front of a large group of people.
Does COVID affect penile function? Maybe! “We’re still learning about how COVID affects erectile function,” says Joshua Gonzalez, a urologist and sexual health advisor for Astroglide. “While the exact mechanism leading to ED is unknown, some studies have suggested that COVID infection can contribute to ED by affecting the endothelial cells that line the blood vessels in the penis.” When these cells become damaged from COVID, the penis has less capacity for holding the blood needed for erections.
The size of a penis at rest indicates what it will do while erect. Not true. A penis could be on the smaller looking side when it is at rest or “flaccid.” This penis could grow to be average or large when erect. Conversely, a large looking non-erect penis might not actually grow so much when aroused. Side note, I personally do not love the term “flaccid” because I feel like it has a negative connotation.
Penis and shoe size correlate. Not necessarily. Although an older study, published in 1993, found that penile length was related to both height and foot length, it was a weak relationship, and the authors concluded, “Height and foot size would not serve as practical estimators of penis length.” As a 2002 study published in the journal BJU International Trusted Source confirms, there is no correlation between shoe size and penis length. A 2006 study published in the International Journal of Impotence Research Trusted Source looked at other correlations. The researchers concluded that, “Penile dimensions are significantly correlated with age, height, and index finger length,” but not foot size. For other fun facts…check out here!
My partner has an awesome (or bad) “pull out game.” The truth is that most people with penises have very little control over exactly when they ejaculate. The brain is not the only thing that controls ejaculation. It is a complicated process of communication between the penis, spinal cord and brain. The signal to ejaculate comes from the spinal ejaculation generator. This region in the spinal cord coordinates the necessary functions. The brain gets some input into when ejaculation happens, and people can delay the event with strategies like breathing, penile shaft pressure, or by thinking about something else, but ultimately, the nerves going to the spinal cord control this bodily function.
The moral of the story? There are a lot of misconceptions about the penis and its function and size, just like there are tons of misconceptions about the vagina and vulva and bodily functions in general. In a world where the internet, social media, the news, TV, movies, books, and TikTok are all giving us information, it is good to check in with a medical professional who is up on the research to find out the answers to your burning questions! I am frequently surprised by what people think is normal, abnormal, or true about their bodies. If you are struggling, know things are likely normal and functioning just fine. We should not compare ourselves to others because everybody is different and every body is wonderful in its own way.
If you have questions about sexual function, as always, a pelvic floor therapist is a great resource!
Perfectly Yours,
Dr. Mo
